Blue & Gold Illustrated: America's Foremost Authority on Notre Dame Football
Issue link: https://comanpub.uberflip.com/i/1541560
BLUEGOLDONLINE.COM NOV. 29, 2025 17 cal reality, will always be a part of me. There's no undoing the wear and tear. But when I look back, even with the sur- geries, the pain, the fear, I can honestly say: it was all worth it. To live the dream of playing college football at Notre Dame, to follow in my father's footsteps and experience that unique brotherhood and challenge — my only regret is only having one body to give to Notre Dame. It was worth every single ache, every scar, every single moment. FINDING GRATITUDE Through all the darkness, through the periods of profound weakness and iso- lation, there has always been a light, a network of incredible individuals who became my absolute rock. It's easy to get lost in the depths of despair, to feel like you're alone, but looking back now, with clearer eyes and a healthier mind, I see just how many people refused to let me fall completely. My high school friends, the guys who knew me before the Notre Dame hype, before the weight, before the sickness — they never wavered. They were there, steady and unwavering, offering a nor- malcy that felt like a lifeline when every- thing else was chaos. They saw the "old me" even when I couldn't, and that quiet consistency was a powerful anchor. But if there's one person who deserves endless credit, it's my wife, Nina. I truly could not have done anything without her. She witnessed the absolute worst of me, the skeletal figure, the raw anger, the distant stare, the complete unravel- ing of everything I thought I was. She carried my backpack when I couldn't carry myself, but more impor- tantly, she carried my spirit when it felt utterly broken. She never gave up on me, never stopped seeing the person I was, and the person I could be again. Her love was fiercely patient, stubbornly hope- ful, and entirely unconditional. She didn't just stand by me; she stood for me when I couldn't stand for myself. Nina's presence, her unwavering belief, was the single most powerful force in my recovery. She taught me what true love means, not just in words, but in action, day after brutal day. She cele- brated the tiny victories and weathered the crushing setbacks right alongside me. I am forever in her debt. Today, looking in the mirror, I can finally say it: I feel like myself again. And not just the old self, but a stronger, more resilient version forged in the fires of that struggle. The fog has lifted, the gnawing hunger for control has receded, and the world looks vibrant again. I ac- tually look forward to all those times I listed above — enjoying parties, genu- inely laughing at jokes, being present with friends and family. The energy has returned, not the manic, driven energy of my playing days, but a steady, sustainable vitality. Work no longer feels like an endless, meaning- less grind; I'm finding purpose in pro- viding, in building, in contributing. The passion for life, that intrinsic desire to engage with the world and experience its joys, has come flooding back. I know I'll always be working on my relationships, nurturing those bonds that were strained but never broken. My family, every single one of them, played an indispensable role in pulling me back from the brink. I will forever be grateful and in debt to them for their patience, their love, and their unwavering support. My dad was there, pushing me, yes, but pushing me back towards health, reminding me of the strength he knew I still had, even when I couldn't feel it. He showed me how to pick myself up, re- minding me that feeling bad for yourself only gets you so far; at some point, you just need to work harder, fight harder, and climb your way out. My mom was the emotional rock, a con- stant source of comfort and unconditional love, always there to listen without judg- ment, to offer a hug when words failed. My siblings, they let me vent. They listened to my frustrations, and they remained my best friends through it all, even when I was at my most difficult. And my in-laws, Nina's parents, em- braced me with such loving acceptance, never making me feel like a burden or a disappointment, only a beloved part of their family. Now, I genuinely enjoy going to the gym, not as a means to achieve an arbi- trary weight, but as a way to feel strong and healthy. I'm actively working on becoming more easygoing, shaking off the rigid control that once defined me, letting loose and becoming a bit more of the old me — the one who enjoyed life's simple pleasures without con- stant internal calculation. I know I won't ever fully recapture those moments I lost, those years that were consumed by illness, but I am fiercely committed to being the best brother, son, and family member I can be, making up for lost time with pres- ence and love. I look forward to the future with a deep, abiding sense of optimism. I envision building a home with Nina, starting our own family, sharing beers with friends on a patio, and simply enjoying the everyday beauty of life. I am profoundly, undeniably blessed with this incredible support system, this constellation of people who re- fused to let me stay lost in the dark- ness. They are the reason I am here, vibrant and whole, ready to embrace whatever comes next. My story is a testament not just to per- sonal struggle, but to the overwhelming power of love and perseverance. ✦ The second and third parts of Ruh- land's story will appear in the next is- sue (December 2025) of Blue & Gold Illustrated. Ruhland said of his wife, Nina: "She carried my backpack when I couldn't carry myself, but more importantly, she carried my spirit when it felt utterly broken. … Nina's presence, her unwavering belief, was the single most pow- erful force in my recovery." PHOTO COURTESY TREVOR RUHLAND